Opening my eyes, I slowly observe the surroundings. The smell of rubbing alcohol and rubber gloves mingle with buzzing of fluorescent lights above me. This place is all too familiar, and still never comfortable. I must confess and tell you about a different world before they call my name, mispronouncing more my soul by sheer speaking it out loud.
35 miles per hour
And that’s exactly what I kept my foot at steady, holding the pedal. I drove home with the sun setting behind me. I felt the wind running through my car, like the car was blowing against the wind instead of the vice versa. Everything around me screamed summer. I loved this time of year, especially when it made me feel like this.
At my age there really isn’t anything to have but time, and I have plenty of it. So much right before me with opportunities crying to be taken advantage of. Youth they say is wasted on the young, I couldn’t agree more.
Like any story, there is always another counterpart. Mine is Harrison Lloyd. He is every stupid love song you could imagine in the flashes of my own mind. What as terrible shame because the boy knows it. I am gladly his, and his alone and the same is stated when he looks at me.
Cali loves me, I’d always say to my parents . Honestly they couldn’t be more proud of me, getting into Stanford. I was working my way through school. Although the trailer in Florida my father owned, didn’t quite match the estates the classmates I stand equal to every spoiled Abercrombie advertisement that dare look twice my way.
However as wonderful as the surroundings were, I still was just an empty shell. Like an automatic machine, getting up from a less than perfect slumber, studying, going to a dead-end job, classes, gorging myself to fill a void of hunger and returning home through the same exact steps I had taken earlier that day. I was as far from that sense of freedom I longed for so very much. Talking to myself on the way to and from such job I would say, “This is just to get by, you wont do this forever. College will be over soon enough.” I was trapped by the fear of being just a working class citizen, slaving away for something I would only end up spending on nothing of great importance.” I loved money, I loved freedom, I loved the freedom of having money in my hands with no destination in mind.
Life is unstable at its best now, but some how the mundane is draining me. I feel like a fire yearning to be lit, I crave the burn. It’s Friday night, the start of a three-day weekend. Tonight its time to break away from the prestige and control. One of the last I’d be spending in this humid trap of town. Anticipation burning my skin, I am so close to being free.
Harrison and I had been planning this weekend for a while, probably since we found out it would be our last holiday together before I left for college. The band he played for was playing at our favorite local bar, and throwing him a huge party to say goodbye. The service had been his choice of escape, and one that seemed to fit the ramblings of my own. Of course we had planned to find a place in California once he came home from training. Thats’ a given, in our small little existence we stuck together.
I was driving to our bar, as I got closer and saw Harrison’s bike in the parking lot I drove just a little be faster. Jumping out of the car when it wasn’t fully parked, I ran into the bar. He was on stage, having his normal Jäger and coke. Disgusting combination I think, but to each his own. After ordering my drink I got closer to the stage. My black band tee and tight blue jeans were the only thing on his mind when he looked back. I loved that look he was giving me now, like I was something to crave. Each and every time the man touched my skin, it was like a fire with the power to electrocute me as well as burn.
He pulled me forward and left my entire world off-kilter with just a kiss. This is the one thing keeping me from the emptiness my life was screaming to fill. I’m not sure if he is the one, if he is meant to have this much affect on my fragile confidence. Some things I had previous decided to not think about. School was my goal, he was the color.
The music played and the drinks were served. Everything seemed to last longer than the minutes fate was allowing. I was happy, just that simple.
It’s now nearing 4am and the bar has been closed for some time. We are in the back, leaned against the dirt and brick. His hands unraveling the buttons moving lower. My legs wrapped tight around his waist, and I was never going to let him leave. Lips leaving the world spinning on a string with no hope to return anytime soon. I looked in his eyes, praying never to forget exactly how this felt. For a moment we became one, and I whisper that I loved him.
There is no denying that he had more drink than he should have, driving home on the bike but it really wasn’t that far home. It’s not like it hadn’t happened before. I couldn’t talk him out of a ride home, that stupid bike owned more of him than even i did.
The sun is now just starting to rise, and the humid weather is already present.I am driving directly behind Harrison, we lived 10 blocks from the bar.
He wasn’t paying attention to the light, and that suv was running late to work.
I’ll never be able to forgive myself.
Time progressed forward, and the world didn’t stop spinning. Life went on without the colors I loved so vividly. I was now more hallow than alive, and grief ate me alive consistently. A few weeks have passed and my escape was nearing. Cali was more welcoming now than ever.
Then I realize my own personal time has stopped. Almost 2 months since he has been gone. My breath choked me as I faced the fact, part of him was still with me. I was positive, and to my horror each test threatened my escape. I wasn’t thinking about names, I was dwelling on being alone. I was on the edge of losing everything.
That’s why I am in this clinic, alone. Do I make the decision? What kind of life would I be able to offer. The blank stares in the room made me focus on the fact, I wasn’t alone. Was the grief justifiable reason?
Planned parenthood, such a pretty name for such an ugly description. That nurse would be calling my name, and I have the choice. Do I run for everything I am and give myself that freedom? Sadly I knew that’s all i could do, run. I just had no idea in which direction.
So wise people with all the answers, those of you who know right from wrong, what would you choose?
