I’m in love with a sinner, his sin in the mirror.
I see his eyes looking past my mind, struggling, and taking what he can find.
I know its my love his hands take. I love this terrible mistake.
Fire and Ice, water mixed with oil.nothing else makes my blood so wonderfully boil. 

Gamble with my heart, go ahead rip it apart.
because without you it would never be complete, and no one in this world would ever be able to repeat.
you have and always will be my most beloved sin, and darkest desire.

I look back and seek you once again in vain. Hearing no goodbye.
When did I become a part of you to just let die?
Abandoning all hope of tomorrows sunrise.
Its not longer left as a part of this disguise. 

I do not know what love really is anymore.
My heart feel like a salt filled open sore.
Some how I must find the sun, in the darkest of all places.
One day prehaps I wont look for your face.

My soul will always miss its hidden cover.
but I will always enjoy memories of my forbidden lover.
That place only you hold, glued together with false hope.
This will not be the knife to my heart, or dangling rope.

Leaving behind a trail of destruction and pain.
a path of the steps we took walking away is all that remains.
Find me one day, happy in separate steps far from grace.
I promise to never replace the torn leather and ripped lace. 

Good bye forever, may my love serve you well.
As for me, well I’ll never allow myself freedom of this cell.
I am bound by fate never to recreate..
Good bye everything about this place, this love, this state. 

the problem with the truth?
its real.

and you sir are scared of such truth.

Now on my other hand I you, literally 1000 miles away. The intimacy is outrageous between us, even now that we rarely talk. I wish i could understand you better. I’m so in love with what little I know of you, I’m willing to walk away from everything I know to be yours if you would do the same. Even now I feel the urge to beg in a post I doubt you will even read. This is simply unacceptable, and should be my first priority to change immediately. Above all else this is what I need.

and in the end I see him. He isn’t much at first glance but I sense a deeper strength than he shows. I don’t want another man unable to give me anything other than a false hand of comfort. What I crave above all else is intimacy, mentally. Physically I don’t understand it, all I need is that push. I do appreciate how much he is teaching me about the world around me. I don’t know how to say many things but this is where I stand.

Somewhere I need to walk and finish finding who I am among all this mess of confusion mixed with passions.

So soul mate… would you either come home, or invite me in?

You parade around constantly un-aroused by the common notion of a simpler perspective, denying yourself . Don’t you understand in the end, it’s all going to happen anyway? I’m so angry with your false perceptions that you can prevent who you love, or change your approach. There is a reason this is set to a russian roulette of mixed emotions. Dive in, don’t be afraid of a past but cherish the preciousness of your lucky coincidences.

But you know, I see the way you look at me with that sideways stare. Knowing I see through everything you are and still you can’t look away. Keep in mind, with that crooked smile how you imagine things to appear because in a seconds glance your off the hook. I will return the favor bc I see everything the others can’t, bc you hide it so well. So well I don’t even think your able to comprehend the gravity of your own visions.

I cower and quiver, I am nothing and I know that.

You completely disagree, and you tenderly pour the scalding hot water on my head. I don’t like it at first and scream in protest!! What are you doing to me! stop I don’t want to be clean!! It burns, and hurts.

Removing all that disgraces me, and harms me. The bacteria feeding off my existance is vanquished and I am set free.

You stand me before you,  as I am naked. My skin is pink from the temperature of the water. All my flaws before you, open and vulnerable. Instead of taking full advantage, you hand me a towel and I wrap myself in it, this gift of simple luxury.

My dress is laid out, I am dressed with lace and ribbons in my hair. You tell me how beautiful I am, and I smile.

But now,  you say your leaving and will never even see me preform  What good are these words, if you won’t hear them.

What good has cleansing been if it is enjoyed by the vultures and thieves?  I want so badly to share this with you, not them, they don’t deserve to hear me sing.

Please just stay long enough for the first song.

35 miles  per hour

And that’s exactly what I kept my foot  at steady, holding the pedal. I drove home with the sun setting behind me. I felt the wind running through my car, like the car was blowing against the wind instead of the vice versa.  Everything around me screamed summer. I loved this time of year, especially when it made me feel like this.

At my age there really isn’t anything to have but time, and I have plenty of it. So much right before me with opportunities crying to be taken advantage of.  Youth they say is wasted on the young, I couldn’t agree more.

Like any story, there is always another counterpart.  Mine is Harrison Lloyd.  He is every stupid love song you could imagine in the flashes of my own mind.  What as terrible shame because the boy knows it.  I am gladly his, and his alone and the same is stated when he looks at me.

Cali loves me, I’d always say to my parents . Honestly they couldn’t be more proud of me, getting into Stanford. I was  working my way through school.  Although the trailer in Florida my father owned, didn’t quite match the estates the classmates I stand equal  to every spoiled Abercrombie advertisement that dare look twice my way.

However as wonderful as the surroundings were, I still was just an empty shell. Like an automatic machine, getting up from a less than perfect slumber, studying,  going to a dead-end job,  classes, gorging myself to fill a void of hunger and returning home through the same exact steps I had taken earlier that day. I was as far from that sense of freedom I longed for so very much. Talking to myself on the way to and from such job I would say, “This is just to get by, you wont do this forever. College will be over soon enough.”  I was trapped by the fear of being just a working class citizen, slaving away for something I would only end up spending  on nothing of great importance.” I loved money, I loved freedom, I loved the freedom of having money in my hands with no destination in mind.

Life is unstable at its best now, but some how the mundane is draining me.   I feel like a fire yearning to be lit, I crave the burn. It’s Friday night, the start of a three-day weekend. Tonight its time to break away from the prestige and control. One of the last I’d be spending in this humid trap of town. Anticipation burning my skin, I am so close to being free.

Harrison and I had been planning this weekend for a while, probably since we found out it would be our last holiday together before I left for college. The band he played for was playing at our favorite local bar, and throwing him a huge party to say goodbye. The  service had been his choice of escape, and one that seemed to fit the ramblings of my own.  Of course we had planned to find a place in California once he came home from training. Thats’ a given, in our small little existence we stuck together.

I was driving to our bar, as I got closer and saw Harrison’s bike in the parking lot I drove just a little be faster. Jumping out of the car when it wasn’t fully parked, I ran into the bar.  He was on stage, having his normal Jäger and coke. Disgusting combination I think, but to each his own.  After ordering my drink I got closer to the stage.  My black band tee and tight blue jeans  were the only thing on his mind when he looked back. I loved that look he was giving me now, like I was something to crave. Each and every time  the man touched my skin, it was like a fire with the power to electrocute me as well as burn.

He pulled me forward and left my entire world off-kilter with just a kiss. This is the one thing keeping me from the emptiness my life was screaming to fill. I’m not sure if he is the one, if he is meant to have  this much affect on my fragile confidence. Some things I had previous decided to not think about. School was my goal, he was the color.

The music played and the drinks were served.  Everything seemed to last longer than the minutes fate was allowing. I was happy, just that simple.

It’s now nearing 4am and the bar has been closed for some time. We are in the back, leaned against the dirt and brick. His hands unraveling the buttons moving lower. My legs wrapped tight around his waist, and I was never going to let him leave. Lips leaving the world spinning on a string with no hope to return anytime soon. I looked in his eyes, praying never to forget exactly how this felt. For a moment we became one, and I whisper that I loved him.

There is no denying that he had more drink than he should have, driving home on the bike but it really wasn’t that far home. It’s not like it hadn’t happened before.  I couldn’t talk him out of a ride home, that stupid bike owned more of him than even i did.

The sun is now just starting to rise, and the humid weather is already present.I am driving directly behind Harrison, we lived 10 blocks  from the bar.

He wasn’t paying attention to the light, and that suv  was running late to work.

I’ll never be able to forgive myself.

Time progressed forward, and the world didn’t stop spinning. Life went on without the colors I loved so vividly. I was now more hallow than alive, and grief ate me alive consistently. A few weeks have passed and my escape was nearing. Cali was more welcoming now than ever.

Then I realize my own personal time has stopped.  Almost 2 months since he has been gone.  My breath choked me as I faced the fact, part of him was still with me. I was positive,  and to my horror each test threatened my escape.  I wasn’t thinking about names, I was dwelling on being alone. I was on the edge of losing everything.

That’s why I am in this clinic, alone. Do I make the decision? What kind of life would I be able to offer. The blank stares in the room made me focus on the fact, I wasn’t alone. Was the grief  justifiable reason?

Planned parenthood, such a pretty name for such an ugly description. That nurse would be calling my name, and I have the choice. Do I run for everything I am and give myself that freedom? Sadly I knew that’s all i could do, run. I just had no idea in which direction.

So wise people with all the answers, those of you who know right from wrong, what would you choose?

These complicated circumstances with changes like the weather,

They are leaving me breathless and our differences are forever.

You are just so interesting to me with those soft brown eyes,

a past unwavering with fathoms of compromise.

I wont allow this to resurrect those constant pains,

But still it seems at times that’s all that remains.

Moving forward into a brighter light,

This is just a war with a final strike.

Among the tide I will catch the ease

and walk away from your awful disease.

It does not matter where you stand or what road you take

because I am no longer willing to be part of this fate..

The toy I once was, its broken and gone.

I can’t allow my judgments to be wrong.

I’m running for something new and beyond my reach

I am learning from someone gifted to teach.

I finally have someone willing to save me from this

you and your wretched unforgiving kiss.

You tried so hard to break my strengths my strong bonds,

No one will listen to you lying songs.

I am not the villain your  attempting to portray,

even he will realise this one day.

But I no longer wait for the change for right

My dreams will take wind and take flight.

I guess in the end I should thank you with surprise.

you removed me from my own demise.

Happiness is a warm gun, that singer once said.

I take my pleasure with the sound of the lead.

My past is finally in black and white ink,

I have no lacking missing link.

Fallen angel you are but without your wings.

I am no longer strung along on such strings.

I bid you good-bye with these last words,

you are but a fish and I am a bird.